Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: To help you make the most out the next year of your life, here are some of life’s Golden Rules to remember: If it’s a dumb idea but it works, well then it ain’t a dumb idea. After all is said and done, more is said than done. Two rights don’t make a left. People say drunk what they feel sober. Never bring a knife to a gun and/or Rock, Paper, Scissors fight.
Cancer: Your new role model is Kelly Gneiting. Earlier this spring, Kelly became the heaviest person to ever complete a marathon. It took the nearly 300-pound former Sumo wrestler nearly 10 hours to finish the L.A. Marathon and the final five miles almost forced him to crawl, but he did it. Please let this be a reminder that it’s always about mind over matter—no matter how big of a tub of goo the matter seems to be.
Leo: June is looking very promising for Leos. The entire month should be full of positive thoughts and even better, reasons to be hopeful, optimistic and downright giddy. To help you make the most of it, please never forget that you should never say never. And that positive and thankful thoughts breed like rabbits at a kegger.
Virgo: Overall, June is shaping up to be a lovely month for Virgos. There will be time for you, time with some of your favorite people. And sometime near the end of the month an opportunity of some sort will present itself. The most important thing to remember about opportunity is that it likes to knock and not just ring the bell and then go hide in the bushes.
Libra: Here are your updated rules for life 1) It’s all about Karma. You get what you give. 2) Men should never wear Capri pants. 13) You’ve got to dream it to achieve it. 17) Courtesy of Jerry Seinfeld, “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from their women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”
Scorpio: Scorpio is a water sign. Therefore, your new mantra will come from the Oglala Sioux Indians, who, for the record, have no relation to former Indians mascot Chief Wahoo or former Braves mascot Chief Noc-a-homa: “We should be as water, which is lower than all things yet stronger than even the rocks.”
Sagittarius: If you’ve had a hunch recently that you should be trusting your hunches more or your gut more, the Stars would like to inform you that your hunch has been right on the money. To reward yourself, feel free to share a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with your favorite “Share Your Morning Breath Buddy.”
Capricorn: It looks like your work life will be a long and bumpy road this month. Your key to survival and future success will be to ride through this turmoil like it’s a mountain and you’re on a mountain bike. Please bear in mind that scars are sexy, it’s always a good idea to wear a helmet and that sometimes the only way to get through life is ass-over-tea-kettles.
Aquarius: The Stars say you should be more in touch with your spirituality and hopeful side this month. This doesn’t mean that you should start smoking American Spirits, but at least they’re better for you than Basic Lights or crystal meth. Obviously, this as good a time as any to get control over an addiction or to stop smoking, unless you own stock in a tobacco company.
Pisces: In honor of the recently announced retirement of basketball player—and fellow Pisces—Shaquille O’Neil, please work on your free throws in life and adopt one of Shaq’s lines: A) “One lucky shot deserves another. 2) “The only person who can really motivate you is you.” 34) “My game’s like the Pythagorean Theorem. It ain’t got no answer.”
Aries: The element for your sign is fire. Your lucky day is Tuesday, especially “Fat” and “Toss one back for” Tuesdays.” And your lucky lines come the immortal fellow Aries, poet Robert Frost: “So when at times the mob is swayed/To carry praise or blame too far,/We may choose something like a star/ To stay our minds on and be staid.”
Taurus: Your advice for the week is to try not to judge people by your first impression of them, especially anyone who makes a complete butt nugget of him or herself. To help assist you in this task please bare in mind that sometimes bad clothes happen to good people. Please also remember that you’re not allowed to play fashion cop unless you carry fuzzy handcuffs.
