Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: This much we know is true: Life is about change. You can either embrace or reject it, but whatever you do don’t pull a classic Scorpio move and simply ignore it. You see, any change can be positive if you want it be. The only thing change doesn’t like to be is ignored. To help, try referring to change as “Baby,” and repeating the classic “Dirty Dancing” line: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
Sagittarius: To help make sure you are embracing all the positivity the Stars are sending your way, try to refrain from asking any of your typical Sag questions like: Did you eat a bowl of Morons for breakfast? Did you know that contrary to popular belief nobody owes you squat? Don’t you think it’s about time you realized I’m kind of a big deal?
Capricorn: Here are your pieces of questionable advice for the week: 1) Never take lovemaking tips from Animal Planet. 2) All women are secretly fans of Cyndi Lauper’s hit “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” 3) Capricorns are happiest when they feel like they got a great deal. !) Try not to be a Richard.
Aquarius: The Stars are saying this would be the perfect time for you to get out of Dodge for a while, especially if you’ve been living out of your Dodge. To help set the tone for this excursion, your words of wisdom for the week will come from the infamous Ferris Bueller himself: “The question isn’t ‘what are we going to do?’ The question is ‘what aren’t we going to do?’”
Pisces: Clouds would like the good, passionate, caring, sexy, and egocentric people of this sign to know that the key to getting past any stretch of rough seas is to be compassionate. As studies done to frozen ice crystals show, even water has feelings, the type of feelings Clouds likes best brewed with hops and barley and served 16 ounces at a time.
Aries: Just in case you were wondering, even if you’re not a religious person, it’s a good idea to pray every once in awhile. You don’t have to pray for yourself, although you certainly may. But Clouds finds it most effective to pray for others, especially others wearing little more than socks and come-hither smiles.
Taurus: Since your November is going to be like the old NBA slogan: Fan-tastic! they’ll be plenty of chances to sing, dance, make love and get healed. Of course, the NBA is locked out right now while the rich owners and players argue about what to do with all the money they milk from fans. Therefore, try inventing your own version of Hoops, one that includes lots of dunking, short-shorts and plenty of Low Fives.
Gemini: While some folks mistakenly believe that happiness is a warm gun or perhaps a new set of power tools, happiness is really nothing different than answering the common American question: Do you want fries with that? It’s simply a choice. To help with your answer, here’s the Dalai Lama: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Cancer: The Stars are suggesting that you take a mini-vacation or a “holiday,” as they say in England. That is, after all, the biggest difference between Brits and Americans besides teeth. The English call a vacation they take from work a “holiday,” while Americans call a “holiday” a day to celebrate something quasi-religious by arguing with family members about things that happened years ago.
Leo: To assure that you’re making the most out of this truly blessed time of life, be sure to embrace hope, accept change and pat happiness on the fanny. To help, start surfing the web for stuff like The Positivity Blog, where they remind us daily that staying positive is like bathing—you have to do it regularly if you don’t want to start smelling funny.
Virgo: Since your career is taking center stage, try to finish up any projects and remember to bite your tongue if anyone mouths off to you. It’ll get evened, so just smile while thinking about Principal Ed Rooney’s line: “I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.”
Libra: It’s okay to feel vulnerable every now and again. If nothing else, it helps the rest of us feel useful, needed, and appreciated, which is pretty much all we need. That and a handful of sick and/or “Ferris Bueller” days off, some “mental health” weeks away and an occasional free meal and we’re pretty much cooking with Crisco.
