J-E-T-S suck, suck, suck
Last week, we covered the completely hopeless NFL teams. This week, we talk about the rest.
THE FOOLED YOU DIVISION
Subtitle: You thought they had a chance, but I just got tired and drunk last week and needed to break somewhere.
Browns: I think the Browns will win more games with QB Colt McCoy being in a true west coast offense, but if you thought after last week’s preseason debacle that they had a real chance to do anything, you drink more than I do. 9-7. The loss of their Defensive Coordinator over the offseason will hurt badly.
Cardinals: I think new acquisition QB Kevin Kolb will be okay. But was it worth trading their best corner to get him? Especially since their next best CB just tore his ACL. So they are going into the season starting a rookie and a backup. Yes, their rookie CB is an amazing athlete, but he is so big, he will ultimately show everyone what a great NFL SAFETY he will be. 8-8
Raiders: They look like they play actual football now. But their owner is still Lemony Snicket. I was watching their game the other day and everyone on the field for the Raiders ran a 4.2 forty: the corners, the wideouts, the left tackle, the peanut vendor. 8-8.
J E T S: Suck Suck Suck. Okay, you’ve heard me talk enough about how mediocre QB Mark Sanchez is. But here’s what you haven’t heard and what will soon become apparent. You can run the ball on them all day. The front seven is weak. I would spread those bastards out and work the LBs to death. Besides that, their WR corps is ancient and will spend significant time in the trainer’s room. 9-7. Miss playoffs
Saints: Aint’s redux. They have offense for days, but the recipe to stop it is there … pressure QB Drew Brees and he throws the ball all over the yard. 10-6. Miss playoffs.
Eagles: Everyone is calling them the dream team. I’m thinking nightmare. There is so much to dislike here. Here is the problem: they cannot play defense. They have 3 Pro Bowl CBs, yes, but there are still eight other guys on the field whom everyone’s giving WAY too much credit. Like the Jets, they have front seven issues. They are way overrated. They are Pamela Anderson overrated. On offense, the line is also suspect, which makes me wonder why they paid QB Michael Vick $100 million when he won’t finish the season without getting knocked out of 5 games. They made a monumental mistake with that contract. Miss playoffs.
Bucs: Headed in the right direction, but still need more talent. Perplexing, because they could have brought some in. They are $30 million under the salary cap. I would’ve liked Reggie Bush in Tampa. RB LeGarrette Blount could have used a speedy complement.
THE PLAYOFF DIVISION
Subtitle: But still ain’t going anywhere.
Lions: This is a talented offensive team if QB Matthew Stafford stays healthy. On defense, they can pressure the passer. 10-6.
Rams: Someone has to go to the playoffs from the NFC West. It isn’t right, but it’s the NFL law. Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator will make QB Sam Bradford look better and the defense is passable.
Colts: This team messes me up. I almost put them out of the playoffs at 9-7, but I think they sneak in. The X factor: if QB Peyton “Jughead” Manning doesn’t play by week 3, they will not make it.
Ravens: They win 11 games in the most boring fashion you can imagine. And then QB Joe Flacco will fold in the playoffs again. Running 2 WR sets every play and throwing it up in the air and praying for pass interference = the Ravens playbook.
THE CONTENDERS
Steelers: The class organization of the NFL. The team that drafts well and builds from within. QB Ben Roethlisberger will have a huge year. Defense still great, but lacking CBs. They will blitz like crazy this year with S Troy Polamalu healthy. 12-4.
Packers: Not much to pick at here. Except for LB Clay Matthews and that Fabio hairdo. 12-4.
Pats: They score enough against bad teams to put up a great record, but they have glaring deficiencies. Their defense is terrible. And their offensive line is worse. Just ask QB Tom Brady. They will get exposed again in the playoffs.
Cowboys: This is the first year in awhile where they actually seem focused on football versus strutting around talking about how entitled they are as “America’s Team.” They still look like they have me playing in their secondary, but they have offense and a great pass rusher in DeMarcus Ware.
Falcons: I don’t think they are as good as people think. If they finished 9-7 and missed the playoffs, it wouldn’t surprise me. They made the pick of the draft in WR Julio Jones. I don’t agree with them trading away as much as they did for him, but he will look far better than the Bengals’ A. J. Green. Julio is the closest thing to T.O. I have seen since T.O. without the mental issues. But the defense is horrific. I watched them play the Steelers in preseason and it looked like the head coach told the defense to just let the Steelers score so they could get off the field and let the offense practice some more.
Texans: Win the division. Finally. But their defense won’t hold up. They are playing a 3-4 defense with those LBs and DE Mario Williams covering backs and receivers out of the backfield? I don’t see it. And now that LB Brian Cushing is off steroids, he is done.
Chargers: Still think they are greatly overrated. They win the division … ‘cause someone has to. 10-7 (figured I’d include that inevitable opening playoff loss in the final record).
