Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: To celebrate your birthday, dear Pisces, Clouds would like to give you the gift of clear communication. So make sure you are heard, whether you have to holler or whisper. To help, try adding a little English reggae to your soundtrack. For example: “My name is Pato Banton and this is my opinion! What the world needs now is love sweet love. No, not just for some, but for everyone.”
Aries: Aries love to travel. But this need to explore often makes them overlook what’s right in front of them. For you don’t have to go halfway across the globe to find the wonders of the Universe. To help in your explorations, remember to stop every once in awhile and look around to see what you’re missing, like maybe your shoes and shirt, which probably means you’re somewhere Clouds approves.
Taurus: Since Winter is on the home stretch, please make sure your attitude is ready to spring forth like a field of tulips. It’ll help if you get plenty of fresh air—and yes, streaking counts. So your great question for the week comes from The Be Good Tanyas: “What kind of people go to meet people someplace they can’t be heard or seen?”
Gemini: Miles Davis was a classic Gemini. Brilliant, creative, intuitive, self-centered, and often times his own worst enemy, even though he never recognized it. To help you become more balanced, feel free to blow your own horn every now and again, and to quote the trumpeter: “When you’re creating your own s#* man, even the sky ain’t the limit.”
Cancer: To help assure you handle the heat in the kitchen life has been serving you recently, your words of wisdom come from fellow Cancer, Anthony Bourdain: Appetizer: “I don’t have to agree with you to like or respect you.” Dessert: “Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
Leo: You may start to become frustrated with your life. That’s because you’re ready for some change but it still isn’t your time yet. Stay strong and don’t worry. You’ll know when your time has arrived because that little voice inside of you will start giggling like Cheech and Chong at a coffee shop in Amsterdam.
Virgo: Since Virgos are known for having tongues as sharp as the Miracle Blade, and because this skill should be used for good (humor) and not for bad (verbal combat) you are no longer allowed to use the following terms in anger: Butt Janitor, Numb Nuts, Dip Stick, Fart Licker, Turdhead, or Harry or Harriett Stinkyface.
Libra: If you find stress has got ya squeezed like a vice, please remember to catch yourself before you lose it. You wouldn’t want to do something or someone you might regret. To help keep your cool while stress starts biting into to you, try picturing something humorous like midget pole vaulting or Elton John winning a UFC event and then hollering, “That’s right, baby, the bitch is back!”
Scorpio: Most Scorpios can feel that something great is about to come hop, skip and jumping into their lives. To help make way for it, spend time visualizing something great. You know, pretend you’re running through a field of flowers like in the Dockers commercials hollering out: “I wear no pants!”
Sagittarius: King Henry the 8th was one of those people almost incapable of learning the simple lessons life was trying to teach him. For example, he kept marrying women named Catherine even though most Catherines are crazy. Sags are known for having about as much patience as King Hank, only they don’t get to remove mistakes by simply hollering out, “Off with her head!”
Capricorn: To help you keep positive and patient as life continues to throw some curveballs, take some spiritual batting practice from fellow Cap, Ellen DeGeneres: “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” That or get a similar sweat band: “I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it. Then I’m gonna rip it off.”
Aquarius: Lakers’ All-Star Kobe Bryant once said, “ You can’t be successful at something if you don’t enjoy it.” He has gone on to prove this in his own life by becoming one of the best scorers and biggest jackasses in the NBA. You see, the trick in life is to find out what you love to do and then figure how to make money at it. It helps if you can dunk and have some three point range.
