Have you ever had any bad booty?

This was the first Sunday without some kind of football in many months. It was horrible. I felt so lost. Golf was on … without Tiger Woods. And worst of all I heard these words … pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. Bummer. Another year of that despicably boring sport known as baseball. And my son just has to play another year. Uggggghhhhh.

Fortunately, the NFL scouting combine is on the horizon. Another year where some formerly obscure WR will move up from a 4th round pick to a first round pick just because he had a  great football workout and 40 time … in shorts and spandex. Jet QB Mark Sanchez boosted his stock last year just by attending the interviews. More defensive linemen that don’t run farther than 5 yards on any play will run the 40. Why??

The Oakland Raiders cannot win. I can sum up their chances of winning by dissecting their football philosophy in one simple statement: They have the highest paid punter and kicker in the league.

One more draft note: if you draft Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford in the first 3 rounds you are crazy. I heard some commentator say: the Saints took a chance on QB Drew Brees and look what happened to them.

First of all, Brees had a messed up shoulder, but they had clearance from the doctors that it was healing  … but most important, they already knew BREES COULD PLAY IN THE PROS. HE WAS ALREADY A VERY GOOD NFL QB.

Sam Bradford was a brittle college QB, is light as a feather and hasn’t shown he can take a snap from center or read a defense. If you draft him in the first 3 rounds you are crazy. Don’t care how smart you say he is: every Dartmouth and Yale QB is smart. Can’t play in the NFL. Wait, Dartmouth QB Jay Fiedler played in the NFL.

I rest my case.

Niner QB Alex Smith had the highest Wunderlickmyass test score in history and the jury’s still definitely out on him.

Time for my weekly Cincinnati Bengal bashing. Remember the Trailblazers several years ago when they had Isaiah Rider and Rasheed Wallace and a bunch of malcontents on their team. They had more potheads and headcases WITH TALENT in pro sports history (since the Raiders of the early ‘70s).

I think the JailBlazers former General Manager must be the GM of the Bengals now.

In regard to headcases, people keep saying “sure give the guy a chance, you are getting him for a minimum contract so you don’t lose much if it doesn’t pan out.”

Wrong.

You lose roster spots to reclamation projects. One, okay. Two, maybe. But your whole roster? They have had more character problems than I can name: Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, Ochocinco. Now they want to sign PacMan Jones. And they still have RB’s Larry Johnson and Cedric Benson. Just because the player is cheap, doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. Sometimes cheap s%$# is just cheap s%$#. Larry Johnson wants to be paid just like Cedric Benson even though Johnson’s far over the hill. Guess he’s worried about having enough weed money. Benson was running last year like Ricky Williams was waiting in the end zone for him with a big fattie. He won’t run like that this year. PacMan Jones is done. He had talent but has never been coached and can’t be coached if he is always in court. Even the CFL cut his ass loose. And WR Matt Jones? He is a crackhead. What white player has ever been busted for crack? That is hilarious.

Jet QB Sanchez had successful knee surgery. It was 6 hours after the surgery and he was tweeting it was successful. How would you know after 6 hours? Because they didn’t kill you? Your knee is good when you can run on it again. Stupid.

Tiger Woods: They are killing Tiger now for coming out and making a statement while a PGA tournament (hosted by a former sponsor that dumped his ass) is going on.

Anyway, they killed him for being quiet and now they are killing him for talking.

Ernie Els is pissed off about him speaking on Friday. Says Tiger is selfish  by stealing the spotlight and it’s bad for the tour.

Screw Els. Els has been known all his career for being less than brilliant because he drinks and parties too much. He should shut up. Punk ass. And Tiger won’t answer questions so people are pissed off: He owes us the right to ask questions? No, he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t even answer questions myself. Here is why:

Reporter: Tiger, tell us about the affairs. Was the booty good?

Tiger: Was it good? Have you ever had any bad booty? Seriously, stupid question.

Reporter: But these women aren’t as pretty as your wife. What were you thiinking?

Tiger: Have you seen the back of her head?

Reporter: How are and your wife doing?

Tiger: The makeup sex was tremendous. We had to refurnish the bedroom. DAMN. Even better, the makeup sex with the first girl, you know the voicemail girl? That was tremendous. And the makeup sex with numbers 3, 4 and 5? It was all good.

Okay, no more questions. I am going out to this tournament without playing for months and I’m still going to beat these punks that were talking s%$# about me. Bitches.

*By the way, if I were Tiger, the last statement would be the only one I’d make. I wouldn’t even hold a press conference and wouldn’t answer a single question about the whole topic.

Finally, Sade has a new album out. And the album is smoking. There is going to be a baby boom. Check the census records. There are more babies born when Sade drops another album than at any other time in history.