Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: Some people consider life to be a lot like a big fortune cookie. It may have the consistency of cardboard, but at least it’s sweet and full of confusing advice. To add to this, here’s some thoughts on life from fellow Libra, the Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen: “Success makes life easier. It doesn’t make living easier.”
Scorpio: Recently, Clouds has been making an effort to make Horrorscopes less perverted. These attempts have met with some shock. (Believe it or not, Clouds can actually write a sentence that doesn’t include stuff like boot-knocking, booty or love monkey, you know.) The lesson here is twofold: First.) It’s always best to just be who you are. Second) Every last stinkin’ one of us is a pervert in our own booty-licious, boot-knocking, love-monkeying way!
Sagittarius: With Wall Street looking a lot more like Baltic Avenue than Park Place, Clouds wanted to let you know there’s no reason to start playing in traffic on U.S. 395. After all, Sagittarians are ruled by Jupiter, the planet of good fortune. This should help explain why life is always dealing you extra “Chance” cards and, courtesy of the UK version of Monopoly, the occasional “drunk in Charge” fine.
Capricorn: The Stars remind you that we’re still in a period of easy misunderstandings, especially regarding those you live or work most closely with. Therefore, the Stars advise refraining from saying any of the following for the next few weeks (no matter how bad you might want to): 1)“You’re about as useful as a pay phone.” 2) “Eat a turd!” 2.0)“Sometimes you seem like a Richard. Other times you’re definitely a Dick.”
Aquarius: Earlier this week, 33 miners, who’d been trapped underground for 69 days, were rescued in Chile. What does these mean for you, you may ask? It means miracles really do happen. To help cement this theory, try performing a miracle of your own for the rest of the month and not share some of your sarcasm, such as: “Well, isn’t that just crap-tastic!”
Pisces: There are those who believe that all setbacks are temporary and actually help pave the way for better things to come. There are those who believe that life sucks, the IRS sucks you dry and then you die. Your mission for the week is to spend more time around the former, and avoid the latter as though they just told you they have really bad gas.
Aries: Since the Rams of this sign have so much in common with Vikings, your anti-hero for the week is Brett Favre. Recently, the famously indecisive, interception-prone QB was accused of sending racy pictures of himself to numerous massage therapists. The lesson: Nobody’s perfect, so we all need to be willing to accept our limits, which in most cases means judiciously choosing to whom we send pictures of our “franks, beans and buns.”
Taurus: The Chilean miner rescue, my Bull-sign friends, is your reality check for the week. Now pull your head out of that deep, airless hole you’ve been wallowing in, enjoy the sunshine and rejoice!
Gemini: Just in case you’ve forgotten that life is all about attitude, or that it’s October, the month when baseball dreams come true, your words of wisdom come from the great novel (not to be confused with the pretty darn good movie), “The Natural,” by Bernard Malamud: “If you think you are winners, you will be. If you don’t, you won’t. That’s psychology. That’s the way the world works.”
Cancer: With Autumn upon us like mustard on a hot dog, Clouds is here to remind you that even on your worst days, you’re still better off than lots of people, especially people from Chicago. As TV personality and long-time Cubbies fan Tom Arnold put it: “The world needs Cubs fans. We’re like the local retards that make everybody else feel better about themselves.”
Leo: The Stars are happy to report that good career karma is headed your way. To help make sure you make the most of this, be humble, be thankful and be sure to wear your new good luck t-shirt, which should be in your good luck color of burnt orange and should read: “I poop excellence!”
Virgo: Your assignment for the week is to choose two of the following musical lyrics to start singing in the shower: A.) “Everything gives you cancer. There’s no cure, there’s no answer.” -Joe Jackson B.) “Well, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt.” -Sir Mix-A-Lot q) “Less we say about it the better. Make it up as we go along.” -Talking Heads W.) “Let it be.” -The Beatles.
