HORRORSCOPES
Pisces: We are now a few weeks into the Chinese Year of the Pig. Pigs are a symbol of wealth, which is what you’d expect of something wrapped in bacon. Metal is the element of this Pig year so don’t be surprised if it occasionally tests your mettle, and then rewards you with some good heavy metal, which means no early Pantera or late Judas Priest.
Aries: As the Chinese Year of the Pig rolls into form this is the perfect time to get your finances squared away. This Year of the Pig promises to reward investments and efforts to increase whatever it is you want to increase. So what are you waiting for, a sign from the heavens? Well, this is your sign. Start getting after it!
Taurus: Your words of wisdom for the week were directed at former attorney Michael “The Rat” Cohen. President Comrade Trump’s longtime personal attorney and “fixer” testified before Congress recently, and the chairman of the committee, Representative Elijah Cummings, said something we all should adhere to, “Don’t ask why did this happen to me, ask why did this happen for me.”
Gemini: In honor of the Chinese Year of the Pig, your advice will come from some famous ones. 1) From Miss Piggy, “Express your feelings all the time, unless you’re trying to hide something.” 2) From Piglet “The things that make me different are the things that make me me.” 3) And from Pumbaa, “You’ve got to put your behind in the past.”
Cancer: Millennials and Generation Xers are into astrology more than previous generations. This should come as no surprise as the Stars are easier to trust than most people in power. Trust can be an issue for many of you in this water sign, that’s why it’s something you should be working on right now. A good place to start is to try to stop being everything to everybody and let the rest of us pamper you for a while. You might actually like it.
Leo: Remember that happiness isn’t about always getting what you want, it’s about loving and being thankful for what you have. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to improve, just remember that it’s more about the adventure than it is the ride—unless you just got a new pick-up truck and then it is about that, especially when you go parking.
Virgo: As an Earth sign, Virgos are naturally connected with the elements. You are practical, extremely capable people of deep substance. That’s why this line should resonate with you and be your life-long inner motto: “I’m an alchemist, so whatever you throw at me I can turn into gold.”
Libra: As subtle control freaks, Libras can get themselves all worked-up over practically anything. That’s why your mission is to only allow yourself to get worked-up over worthy things, like injustices or getting to spend quality time with your favorite cuddler. Adopting this line from Emerson will help, too: “Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.”
Scorpio: A lot of people start to get worried about their waistlines as winter begins to wane and the days get longer. Spring and short-short season is headed our way, even if things look like Antarctica around here. That’s why this is the perfect time to start to love your body more, even the lumpy parts—those are Clouds favorite parts anyway. To help, be sure to drink lots of water, to get your heart pumping for at least 30 minutes every day and to be sure to count your orgasms, not your calories.
Sagittarius: In case you’ve been feeling run-down recently, here are few ideas to help you reenergize: Sneak in some power naps. Drink more water and green tea. Take a mental health day or two. Make more love, with or without others. Remember that sometimes the reason you feel tired isn’t because you’ve done too much, but because you haven’t done enough of what excites you.
Capricorn: Studies have shown that every time you resist acting in anger that you literally rewire your brain to become more calm and compassionate. While hearing this news might temp you to tell Clouds to go screw off for passing it along, doing so will probably only result in more things going haywire in your life. That’s why your mission is to work on defusing yourself more, especially with your favorite live wire.
Aquarius: Just in case you feel like your life is falling apart please remember that it’s okay to feel down for moment, just don’t dwell there. To help, remember that attitude is everything, which is why your outlook should be to realize that your life isn’t falling apart, it’s really just tumbling together.
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