HORRORSCOPES
In honor of Fishmas 2019, this week’s HorrorScopes will fill the creel with fishy and famous advice.
Taurus: The Stars are reporting that major change is the theme for the next blessed month of your life. Your mission: figure out what your big goals in life are and then believe you deserve them. That’s why these words from former President Herbert Hoover, should help, “There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy …Those are prayer and fishing.”
Gemini: Some folks believe that country music is at higher vibrational plain than most other music. Granted, these folks spend a lot of time hitting the “Giggle Weed,” but they do have a point. Staying positive, driving a pick-up and having a dog help keep you happy. That’s why your new theme song comes from fisherman/country music star Luke Bryan, “Well huntin’ and fishin’ and lovin’ every day, I wanna see them tall pines sway.”
Cancer: Being the most loyal sign, Caners can be found in abundance during Fishmas. Tradition, family and friends are important to you. That’s why if you like casting around the Eastern Sierra there’s no way you can’t skip out on the opener. It’s also why you can relate to this classic Hemingway scene, “You are killing me, fish, the old man thought. But you have a right to. Never have I seen a greater, or more beautiful, or a calmer or more noble thing than you, brother.”
Leo: Your new role model is fellow Fire Sign Tiger Woods. Not just because he rose from the ashes and achieved the nearly impossible, like all Fire Signs can, but because he once said this, “I thoroughly enjoy getting away from the game and going out fishing because it’s so relaxing, so quiet and peaceful. I mean, there’s no noise other than nature – and it’s so different from what I do in a tournament situation that it just eases my mind.”
Virgo: You can’t fool Clouds. No matter how quiet or passive you may seem, Clouds knows you’re as wild and funny as a stand up comic who just so happens to look great in a bathing suit. That’s why your new assignment is to laugh out loud more often. Maybe one of these fishy lines will help: A) “Sorry I couldn’t come to work yesterday, my arm was in a cast.” B) “I’m not addicted to fishing. We’re just in a very committed relationship.” P) And from the late, great Patrick F. McManus, “There’s no greater fan of fly fishing than the worm.”
Libra: The Stars say spring should bring smooth sailing for Libras and that you’ll have the energy to accomplish anything you want. To help you overcome the Libra trait of being your own worst enemy, do two things: Uno) Every time a stressful or negative thought comes in, replace it with something positive like a past victory, or a dream/vision of someone you like wearing nothing but a smile. Dos) Remember this line from author John Gierach, “If you fish the wrong fly long and hard enough, it will sooner or later become the right fly.”
Scorpio: This spring promises to be very positive and will include some great opportunities for your life and libido. All you’ve got to do is be willing to embrace the blessings that come your way, even if they don’t look like blessings when they first arrive. That’s why your latest motto comes from Thomas McGuane, “I’ve spent as much of my life fishing as decency allowed, and sometimes I don’t let even that get in my way.”
Sagittarius: Sure, you could be stressed over minor mistakes or get all worked up about things that may never happen. But that really doesn’t really serve you very well. This helping from Norman Maclean, should fill you up nicely, though, “Many of us would probably be better fishermen if we did not spend so much time watching and waiting for the world to become perfect”
Capricorn: Of all the signs, Caps are the best at keeping traditions or even starting new ones. That’s why so many of you will be getting up at the crack of dawn to kick-off opening day. To help, here’s hoping the DFG won’t take away Fishmas in the future and some Garrison Keillor, “Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough … And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won’t feel so thankful then.”
Aquarius: As a water sign, Spring is always a good season for Aquarians. The rivers and creeks are running wild, the lakes are bursting full and you have the energy to get after anything you want in life. The only challenge you guys ever seem to have is that when you finally get what you want, sometimes you decide you don’t want it after all. That’s why your words of wisdom come from Dave Barry, “Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”
Pisces: Since your symbol is two balanced fish, Fishmas is officially one of your good luck holidays. To help you embrace it, adapt these lines: A) From Izaak Walton, “God never did make a more calm, quiet, innocent recreation than angling.” B) From Jeff Foxworthy “Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn’t go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.” C) From Clouds, “It’s easy to ask fishermen for advice, they’re all reel experts.”
Aries: Here are a couple of lines that you adventurous Aries can relate to, from the beloved author who called British Columbia home, Roderick Haig-Brown. I)“There will be days when the fishing is better than one’s most optimistic forecast, others when it is far worse. Either is a gain over just staying home.” II) “I have fished through fishless days that I remember happily without regret.
