HORRORSCOPES
Libra: According to people who study such things, half of all Americans say they’ve felt lonely in the past six months. This just goes to show that even when you fell lonely, you’re not alone. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself is to put more effort into making and spending time with friends. And every time you feel insecure about reaching out, just remember that there’s a 50% chance you’ll make the other person’s day, which is way better odds than Vegas (-110) will ever give you.
Scorpio: The nation has turned its attention to the courtroom recently as morals, memories and beer—lots and lots of beer—get debated. The bottom line in all this is that the past is never really gone, especially the parts that haven’t been mended or accounted for. To help you avoid any such hangover, stay positive, be forgiving to yourself and others and listen to some Coldplay: “When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach. So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of para-para-paradise.”
Sagittarius: Studies have shown that two to three glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a crap. In fact, Clouds was the main participant in this study and recommends you give it try, along with maintaining a healthy diet, getting regular exercise and shagging like a minx whenever possible.
Capricorn: How about you try this: Loving your life wherever it takes you—loving it when it’s good to you and even when it kicks your backside. It’ll probably help to listen to some Chris Stapleton. “I’m just a traveler on this earth. Sure as my heart’s behind the pocket of my shirt. I’ll just keep rolling till I’m in the dirt. Cause I’m a traveler, oh I’m a traveler.”
Aquarius: Just in case you forgot, Clouds (and Billy Joel) love you just the way you are. Of course, we all have room for improvement, since that’s the big theme in life. To help you accept this theme, try loving yourself for who are, as well as accepting yourself for who you aren’t. If nothing else, you’re not illiterate, since you’re reading this. Keep up the good work.
Pisces: Sure, you can keep going through life only looking out for Number One, but sometimes you have to go Number Two, too. Therefore, as a psychologically in-tune Pisces your new mission is use your psychic powers for good. As for your powers for bad, try not to use them unless the whole group can join in.
Aries: They say that love is more precious than gold. This is good news for Aries because it makes you a millionaire. If this doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because you don’t realize that you are blessed to be rich in love, even when you feel broke or broken-hearted. So every time you start to feel poor in any way, please kick yourself in the ass for Clouds. Thank you.
