HORRORSCOPES
Scorpio: To help you fully embrace and be thankful for this next year of your life, please make fellow Scorpio, Pablo Picasso one of your role models. The Spanish artist was best known for his unique and varied painting styles and for his flair for the erotic. Therefore, please accept yourself more and heed his words: “Everything you can imagine is real. ”
Sagittarius: To make the most out of this kick-off to another holiday season, be sure to be thankful. In case you need some help being thankful, try listening to more Macklemore. One of the most successful musicians in the world likes to brags about shopping at the Thrift Store: “I’m digging, I’m searching through that luggage. One man’s trash that’s another man’s comeuppance.”
Capricorn: In case you’re not feeling very thankful right now, Clouds would like to help you turn that frown upside dowb. So don’t be a dink-head and put some effort into appreciating things like your own smile, warm sunshine on your skin and cuddling wearing only socks. It will also help to remember that when one door burns up, another door always alights.
Aquarius: Here is a list of reasons you should be happy. (If you don’t like it then feel free to shove it up #5.) #1: You are blessed. #2: You can read. #3: You’re about to have a great holiday season. #4: You love accomplishing things and you’re almost done reading this list! #5: At your core you’re a delightfully wild, free and crazy tukhus
Pisces: The Stars are reporting that right now is the perfect time to overcome something that is holding you back in life. That thing is your lack of thankfulness for your gifts. Pisces like you have mad skills, but you’re too shy to share them. That’s why your new mission is to show your skills you love them by showing them off more often, especially those skills that require special underwear.
Aries: Most people don’t know that “Jingle Bells” was really written for Thanksgiving or that the Pilgrims and Indians didn’t eat turkey at the first one back in 1621. Most people also don’t know how good they’ve got it until it’s gone. Therefore, please work on being thankful for the people in your life, especially the ones who like to jingle all the way.
Taurus: The largest turkey ever recorded weighed 86 pounds. That’s about the size of a 6th grader. That grade is about the time when most kids get into books like The Chronicles of Narnia. These random facts are good conversation topics for Thanksgiving so you can relax and enjoy the small talk. This quote from C.S. Lewis will also help, “With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.”
Gemini: Someday you’ll be older than you are right now and today will just be a memory. If the future and more experienced you could come back and talk to the current you what would you say? Probably something along the lines of “Relax. Enjoy the moments more. Keep chasing after your dream. Be a good friend. Read books. Eat more donuts. Put money on Golden State.”
Cancer: To make the most out of this time to give thanks, your good luck yoga pose is the tree. A one-legged standing pose, Vrksasana is all about working on your balance and your core and your peace of mind. It will also help to be more like a tree in general—stand tall and proud, remember your roots, drink lots of water, be happy with your natural beauty and try to enjoy the view.
Leo: The best way to handle change is to view it for the blessing it is, no matter how it comes about. After all, sometimes we have to be forced to let go of who we are to become who we can and want to be. That’s why you should embrace a more hopeful, silly and heart-first attitude. Fellow Leo, comedian Steven Wright, should help get you in the mood, “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
Virgo: As an Earth Sign, you are very stable, loyal, practical, capable and materialistic. These are all traits to be thankful for, as your friends and family are undoubtedly thankful to have you and your traits in their lives. Hopefully, you’ll realize and be thankful for how the rest of us feel about you. If you don’t’, won’t or can’t, well then you’re just being a party poop-head.
Libra: There’s a pretty good chance that you could use some time to unwind and recharge. That’s why it’s important that you show your thanks as another holiday season begins by finding ways to relax. That may mean washing down your turkey or tofurky with some Wild Turkey or simply adopting this motto: “Sometimes I don’t feel like seizing the day, I’d rather poke it with a stick instead.”
