HORRORSCOPES
Gemini: There are a few rather simple things you need to do to make the most out of this next run around the sun. First, focus on making your daily life more joyful—that’s what life’s all about anyway. 2nd) Always remember that if something doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you. Lastly) Your advice for this next year of your life comes from the crew at Shelter Distilling, where they say, “Life and beer are very similar: Chill for best results.”
Cancer: Summer is officially here and that means one thing: road construction. To help you make the most out of any unwanted stops in life this season, try to be better prepared for them. It will help if you view any delays as an excuse to stop and smell the roses or the sagebrush or even the buds from Ascent. And never forget that to ascend, you need to look up.
Leo: Clouds would like you to pretend that every time you walk up steps one of your guardian angels will play the theme to the “Rocky” movies. It will also help to remember Rocky said this, “But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
Virgo: Some of you hearty Virgos may have had some recent challenges. It happens, but since you’ve weathered the storm so well, Clouds says the sun is coming back out for you. To make the most of this, stock up on sun protection like big hats and sunscreen, because tan lines are a lot sexier than skin cancer.
Libra: It’s easy for Libras to get angry at people or situations when anger—even when warranted—isn’t the best response. That’s why you should celebrate the start of summer by making yourself a pair of cut-off jeans shorts and by following the words of another feisty person, Phyllis Diller, “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Scorpio: With the excitement of spring upon us, your assignment is to make sure you make the most out of it. Sometimes that will mean burning the midnight oil, sometimes it may include burning something else. That’s why your new motto comes from Dilbert: “Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching.”
Sagittarius: As a sign that loves adventure you’re bound to enjoy your latest HorrorScope. That’s because the Stars are saying excitement is on its way. It will help to remember that you’re always only one decision away from a totally different life, so choose wisely. And it will also help to remember to make sure you’re as happy as you make it look like you are on Instagram.
Capricorn: You may be in need of a little motivation right now. Sometimes the best motivation comes from stopping for a moment and trying to figure out if you’re even moving in the right direction. That’s why your words of inspiration come from Steve Jobs, “Your time is limited. So don’t waste it living someone else’s dream.”
Aquarius: To help you embrace all you can be, try to stop taking it all so seriously. The more you can balance your passion and drive with ease and humor the better off you’ll be. That’s why you’re new slogan comes from Michael from The Office, “Would I rather be feared or loved? That’s easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
Pisces: This much we know is true. 1) You and your recliner go way back. 2) Some angels need coffee first. 333) It’s best to be like a duck: Keep calm and cool above the water, but paddle like hell underneath it. 4) After Tuesday, even calendars go “W, T, F.”
Aries: One of the interesting things about life is that it tends to be as smooth or as bumpy as we make it. As summer begins, it will help to remember that we really pave our own way in life, but that doesn’t mean we won’t hit a speed bump or two along the way. That’s why it’s good to listen to Patrick F. McManus, “Give a man a rope and it will come out six inches too short. That is the nature of rope, if not the nature of man.”
Taurus: Now that summer has officially kicked off, it will be important to remember two things: It’s okay to wear white and that attitude is everything. This saying should help you with the latter: “The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts the sails.”
